Conflicted.

Outside,There is so much wrong going on.
Inside me, there is so much right going on.
Outside, I want to scream/meditate/physically OPEN people’s eyes and make them blind.

Open
to see humans with compassion and humanity.

Blind.
COLOR BLIND.

(Blind like justice is supposed to be.)

I want to say nothing at all.
And rewind to the silent movies of my memory. ..
And show them,
the obsidian of this country…

Stories my mother told
Of bus trips south
of Chicago
of Newburgh
And conflicted,
The color blind silent movies of my childhood.
You see, the “grown ups” had the “problem”.
[I often wonder now,as an adult , if the bitch who called my mother about me riding bikes with my best friend would have been more freaked out that she is not only a different skin pigment, but a lesbian]

When I was a child, grown ups called threatening my home. Because of our inability to see pigment.
Because they lived in a fear based place.
Because we live with out it.

That was over thirty years ago.
This makes me
So
Sad

What has society not learned a fucking thing from the past?

something needs to change.
Maybe this is the uncomfortable busting out of the cocoon?

People got shot tonight in Newburgh.

Ignorance was glowing like molten lava over social media.

WHY is it so quick to spew
To spread?
Why does it solidify and stay?
Obsidian.

I feel guilty.
Guilty
for personally, having a wonderful week.
Really , I have had a pretty wonderful year.

I am going on the trip of a lifetime next week, and I am over-the-moon-beyond excited. I am so gratefully fortunate, not just for the trip,
but because
I found me again,
and all the blessings that come with it.
For this, there was an uncomfortable, not so pretty, ‘busting out of the cocoon’ period.

I pray, this is where this country is now.
I pray , it is over soon. Change has got to come.
I have prayed for this before. I believe I learned it from my mother.

This time things will change,
This time humanity will overcome,
Tomorrows will be better, different.

And i don’t know how to feel.

They don’t balance each other out.
My best friend, asks me what’s wrong, he can tell.
He lives some where else…
Daily life is different.

Protests are not happening ,
People are not being killed.
Not like here.
Not with the ignorance, not with the hate.

I will continue, to see glasses as half full. To spread, what is inherently in my soul. A change IS going to come, it has to.

All lives matter.
Humanity.
We need more.